Why It's So Hard to Feel Regulated When Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers

Introduction

Parenting is a journey that brings deep joy, growth, and discovery. It’s also one of life’s greatest emotional challenges—especially when it involves toddlers and preschoolers. These tiny humans are just beginning to explore their world, express emotions, and test boundaries. It’s no wonder that many parents find themselves struggling to stay calm, grounded, and regulated amidst the whirlwind of toddlerhood. As therapists who specialize in parenting, this is a common area we work on with our clients. Let’s dive into the reasons why maintaining emotional regulation during this stage is so difficult—and why understanding these factors can help us find a bit more compassion for ourselves along the way.

1. Their Development is Complex (and Fast)

Toddlers and preschoolers are experiencing rapid growth in every area: physical, cognitive, emotional, and social. They’re learning language, motor skills, and emotional regulation at an incredible pace. But because they’re still developing these skills, they rely on us as parents to help them process big feelings. This need, which is called coregulation, can feel exhausting, as we find ourselves in constant cycles of teaching, redirecting, and supporting their needs. It’s an intense, all-day job that’s emotionally demanding, especially when we’re balancing our own daily stresses.

2. Their Emotional Outbursts are Unfiltered and Frequent

One of the most challenging aspects of this age is their tendency to experience and express intense emotions without the ability to self-regulate. They’re not intentionally trying to push buttons; they simply don’t yet have the brain structures or coping skills to handle frustration, disappointment, or big changes smoothly. As a result, tantrums, meltdowns, and defiance are normal. But being on the receiving end of these behaviors, sometimes multiple times a day, can easily push even the calmest parents into feeling overwhelmed or dysregulated. It’s hard to stay centered when we’re constantly met with strong, unfiltered emotions.

3. Parenting Style is Often Shaped by Our Own Inner Child

One of the most profound challenges in parenting is recognizing that our children’s behavior often triggers unhealed parts of ourselves. For many of us, moments when our children are upset, defiant, or clingy can bring up our own unresolved feelings, insecurities, or memories of how we were parented. Whether it’s a desire for control, fear of being perceived as “too lenient,” or a tendency to overreact when boundaries are tested, these are often reflections of our inner child seeking healing and validation.

This process of parenting while also exploring our own emotional triggers can be exhausting. Learning to recognize our own patterns—and practicing self-compassion as we work through them—takes a level of emotional bandwidth that can be hard to summon when you’re tired and overextended.

4. Society Puts Pressure on "Perfect" Parenting

There’s a pervasive cultural expectation that parents should be calm, loving, and wise at all times. Social media often amplifies this pressure, making it seem like other parents always have it together, even with young children. But the truth is, no parent is perfectly regulated 100% of the time. Holding ourselves to unrealistic standards can make us feel guilty or inadequate, especially when our kids are testing limits or experiencing difficult emotions. When we’re stressed about meeting society's standards, it’s even harder to access the self-compassion and calm needed to stay regulated. And we don’t need to be perfect, we just need to be “good enough” and aim to be responsive more often than not.

5. Sleep Deprivation and Chronic Stress are Real

Sleep is a luxury for many parents of young children. Nighttime wakeups, early mornings, and inconsistent schedules make getting adequate rest challenging. Sleep deprivation impairs our ability to manage stress, think clearly, and handle conflict with resilience—all skills that are essential to effective parenting. Couple that with the daily stressors of managing a household, work, and relationships, and it’s no wonder many parents feel drained. Without sufficient rest, our ability to regulate and stay emotionally attuned is compromised, making us more prone to frustration and impatience.

6. The Need for Connection and Boundaries Can Feel Conflicting

Toddlers and preschoolers are exploring their independence, which means they’re constantly testing boundaries. This often manifests as saying “no” or doing exactly the opposite of what we ask. On one hand, they’re expressing a developmental need for autonomy, which we want to respect. But on the other hand, they need clear boundaries and guidance to feel safe. Walking the line between offering connection and setting limits can feel emotionally taxing—especially when the pushback is relentless.

Strategies to Build Regulation and Compassion

Understanding the challenges is just one part of the journey. Developing strategies to manage our own emotions can help us feel more regulated and present for our kids. Here are a few approaches that might help:

1. Take Small Pauses: Building in brief moments of pause—even if it’s just a few deep breaths—before reacting can give us a little more space to respond with intention.

2. Reflect on Triggers: Identifying what situations trigger us can help us address our own emotional needs. Recognizing that a child’s behavior is not a reflection of our worth as a parent can be freeing.

3. Prioritize Self-Care: Carving out time for rest, connection, and activities that rejuvenate us (even in small doses) is essential. When we’re nourished, we’re more resilient.

4. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Recognize that feeling dysregulated at times is human. We can aim for repair over perfection, knowing that moments of frustration do not define our relationship with our child.

5. Connect with Other Parents: Building a support network, either online or in person, can remind us that we’re not alone. Sharing experiences can help us feel validated and understood.

Conclusion:

Parenting toddlers and preschoolers is a phase marked by intense growth—for both parent and child. Staying regulated through this period can be hard, even for the most patient parents. By understanding the developmental, emotional, and societal pressures that make regulation so challenging, we can begin to offer ourselves grace. Remember, your capacity to model emotional resilience and kindness—even when it’s messy—helps teach your child that all emotions are okay and that repair is a natural part of relationships. After all, a regulated parent isn’t perfect; they’re simply trying their best with love.

And if you're finding yourself in need of additional support to get through this time, you can book a free consultation here.